I find myself today waiting on the arrival of my son, I stand here in the waiting room where they prepare my wife for her C-section. Staring out the window, the sun breaks through the clouds and the light exposes itself past the dreariness of the morning fog. It brings a reassurance of the name we have chosen for our third and final son:
Luke. It means, 'light giving.'
While this should be a joyous time in my head and heart, unfortunately there is trouble afoot in me. At twenty weeks in our pregnancy the doctors found an abnormality with Luke's ultrasound. It's something called 'Ectogenetic Bowl', they find it in 1% of pregnancies and can be a marker for certain types of genetic-related diseases. The two diseases it could lead to are Down Syndrome or Cystic Fibrosis. On the other hand, it could be nothing the doctors say, only around 5% of the 1% that have the abnormal ultrasound actually end up with a life altering disease. Either way, the doctors cannot be sure until he is born and they do the proper screenings and blood tests. Thankfully all the tests came back negative and he is healthy, but there's nothing quite like wrestling with your own thoughts and fears for twenty weeks when it comes to the livelihood of your own child...
There's nothing quite like being a phone call away from news of a disease that would have you burying your son with your own two hands someday...
There's nothing quite like praying to a God who you know is good, yet He is sovereign- willing and able to do what He wants at all times...
This raises questions...what if my definition of good and God's definition of good don't line up? What if God discerned that more good would come from disease than a 'normal' life?
I know that through and through God's grace is astounding and an undeniable force in my life. However, I've been through 'bad' things before. God does not shelter us from pain in this world, even though He can turn anything into good and I've seen it...but I still don't want to go through it!
It's an extremely awkward process of thought and a very uncomfortable life that we lead as children of God. But whoever said we were supposed to live comfortable lives as God's people anyways?
I think it was Charles Spurgeon who said,' If you want a comfortable life, I wouldn't recommend Christianity.' I believe he is right, we're supposed to be uncomfortable as Christians. I believe if we are led into these stressful environments, we are actually right in the center of God's will, not out of it. We are meant to grow in Christ-likeness and to be formed into the likeness of Him. Remember, at the cross was the furthest thing from comfortable for Christ, but it gave life and light to hundreds of thousands of sinners like me. Whatever the circumstance, I pray you persevere and wrestle with your own discomfort as followers of Christ and know that you are not alone in it, as you have heard today.
'Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.' - Romans 8:17