Sigh.... Today was a rough day. The work day was fine and the family evening time when I got home was normal. But man...the wavering thoughts in my mind the whole day... A tough, loud mental day. You ever have those? The days where a hurtful memory pops up and won’t seem to go away. Where not only do you recall the circumstances and the truths, but your brain begins to elaborate, taking it further...to more pain. Today I literally put my hands on my ears and said to myself, ‘Just shut up!’ Even driving home from work I turned up the music to try and block out the noise in my head. Only to take a drink from my water bottle and throw it against the passenger’s side door, gathering an image of this hurtful occasion, yelling, ‘Just stop!’ What is it with my mind and it’s thoughts that I try and rid it of? It acts like a grease fire. The more I try and turn away from this painful memory only throws water on the flames, igniting it even more. Not to mention along with it comes a rising of more and more insecurities within me. Sigh... I thought I was past this. I mean why is this being recalled now? This was nearly 10 years or so ago, maybe even more that this occurred. Why is this haunting me now and why can’t I shake it? I try praying. I try remembering I also need forgiveness, that I too have wronged them. ...But still the memories linger... ...Still the pain cuts deep into the spaces of my heart I thought were locked away. ...Yet still I pray and in this...I search for a calming of the storm. A peace in the midst of the chaos of my babbling brain. Then... A song comes to mind.
“I’m praying because I need your grace/ give me the discipline that's needed to seek your face/ help me endure the race/ give me the discipline that's needed to seek your face/ Lord, you know I need your grace/
give me the discipline that's needed to seek your face”
Phew... ...Now I remember... This is what I need...Grace. To seek His face. Yet, I know this will not do away with the pain and it will not allow me to forget. But it will help me to move forward. It will help me remember the promises of God. That even in the center of pain, I can hold onto hope. Because when I’m connected to God, He causes all things for good. You see this is where the clarity comes...not that God takes away the pain, but that He would have me understand that whatever pain I endure for however long will still lead me to my eventual good. Because the more I seek His face, the more I receive His grace. The more I endure this pain, the more I see the redemptive attributes manifesting themselves within me and my story. Because God works ALL things for good. Even pain. Even repressed, damaging memories. Even minds that won’t shut up like mine. Why? Because of His grace found in the persevering pursuit of seeking His face.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28